How to Help Clients Angry With Grief

You see the crimson creeping up Mr. Randall’s neck. You just explained that Sergeant, his 4-year-old mastiff, is no longer in remission from lymphoma. Randall points a shaking finger between your eyes as he says loudly, “No! You have to be able to do more! You can’t just let him die!”

You are faced with a challenging conversation riddled with complex emotions. Fortunately, the following techniques can help your client unwrap his anger and work on the grief beneath.

Related Article: Helping Clients Deal with Grief and Loss

Under the Mask

Grief is a process, and no 2 people grieve exactly the same way. Emotional responses to loss are spontaneous and natural, providing a way for individuals to adjust to the changes, endings, and finality of loss.¹

For some, anger is a typical emotional expression of grief, even though it may seem off-base to the observer. Due in part to society’s urging that men be strong, courageous, and stoic in the face of emotions, men are more likely to express grief using anger.² Therefore, anger may sometimes be a mask for the more vulnerable feelings of helplessness, fear, and sadness.

In this scenario, Randall is experiencing anticipatory grief, which occurs prior to an actual death, when an individual senses the fragility of the relationship with his or her pet due to terminal illness or a poor prognosis.³ What you may see initially as resistance, frustration, or denial may be indicators that a client is in the throes of anticipatory grief and experiencing a myriad of unnerving emotions.¹

Removing the Mask

Empathy is one of the main tools for working with grieving clients expressing anger. Sincere emotional support normalizes intense grief responses and validates what the client is feeling.

• I see how upsetting this is for you [empathy].

• I want to assure you that you have done everything you can for Sergeant [reassurance].

• I will continue to care for you and Sergeant moving forward [partnership].

• We are continuing to treat Sergeant’s lymphoma and our focus has shifted from curing his cancer to ensuring his comfort [reassurance].

Using a nonjudgmental statement provides empathy while helping the client move from anger toward acceptance. You are ushering the conversation away from the client’s anger and intense emotions and providing a focal point: caring for a beloved pet.

• So many of my clients believe that cancer is unfair and maddening [nonjudgmental statement].

Discrete and appropriate use of self-disclosure can facilitate diffusing anger and provide support in a relatable manner. It shows that you can connect with the client in this moment and that you are sensitive to what he or she is going through.

• I remember feeling so angry and helpless when my cat stopped responding to treatment for renal failure [self-disclosure].

• I am disappointed too, as I was hoping that Sergeant would still be in remission [self-disclosure].

Nonverbal empathy creates a safe and supportive environment for clients to process complex emotions. Strive to maintain a caring demeanor, provide quiet space in the conversation for clients to vent, and be a calm presence in the emotional storm. Remind yourself that the client’s intense emotions are not about you, even though it may feel that way. Be a “duck” and let the client’s feelings roll off your back. It may help to take a deep breath, step into the client’s shoes, and remind yourself that anger is part of grieving, and the client is processing the bad news and fearful of losing his or her pet.

Conclusion   

Clients angry with grief are sometimes labeled “challenging,” but keep in mind that they are in a challenging situation and struggling to cope. Recognizing that anger is a grief emotion that masks more vulnerable feelings of sadness and loss, and reflecting that these intense feelings are not directed at you, can help you navigate difficult conversations. Expressing empathy through normalizing, validating, nonjudgmental statements, and employing appropriate self-disclosure, paves the way for progressive care and productive grief.